Jokes 8

Joke1
> > A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
> > married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I' m still paying."
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't
>know
> > his wife until he marries her?
> > Dad: That happens in every country, son.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
> > until
>I
> > got married; then it was too late.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
> > The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same
> > :"You
>can
> > have mine."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
> > "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. "A
> > billionaire." she replied.
> > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get
> > to prove it.
> > --------------------------------------------------------
> > A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said,"Dad! I've
> > found a woman just like mother" His father replied,"So what do you
> > want? sympathy?"
> > --------------------------------------------------------
> > Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second
> > marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
> > word
>you
> > say, talk in your sleep.
> > ------------------------------------------------------------
> > I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
> > --------------------------------------------------------
> > It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only
> > seems longer.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
> > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful
>house,
> > a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it was all
>gone!"
> > "What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > Just think, if it weren' t for marriage, men would go through life
>thinking
> > they had no faults at all.
> > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both
> > husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of
> > course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
> > A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
> > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he
> > wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man
> > thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, give me million dollars and beat
> > me till I'm half dead."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.They've
> > experienced pain and bought jewellery.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > How do most men define marriage?
> > An expensive way to get your laundry done free.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
> > it once.
> > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your
>parachute
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
> > Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."


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Joke2Electric Company

A young husband comes home one night and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling I have great news: I'm a month overdue I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure we can't tell anybody"

The next day a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know? stammers the young woman"

"Well, maam, it's in our files! says the man from the electric company"

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely"

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight"

That night, she tells her husband about the visit and he, mad as a bull rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?"

"What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts

"Just calm down says the clerk it's nothing serious All you have to do is pay us"

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case sir we'd have no option but to cut yours off "

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks

"I don't know I guess she'd have to use a candle"


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Joke3
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said.

The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Oh, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver and the fare back to town is $25."

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Joke4Don't mess with a woman!

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks,interview and testing were done, there were three finalists.

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."


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Joke5
An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the social worker

"10" replies the Essex girl

"10???" says the social worker.. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Essex girl, "its great because if they are out playing in the street, I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" asks the perturbed social worker.


"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames"