Jokes 2

Joke1
Most of you would have heard of the Singapore 5C's:
Car, Condo, Credit Card(Gold), Cash and Career

Heard of the 5B's?
B - BMW
B - Body
B - Brain
B - Billionaire
B - Bungalow

And, and addition with the 5K's ...
Kiasu (scared of losing)
Kiasee (scared of dying)
Kiabor (scared of wife)
Kiaboh (scared of having nothing)
Kiachenghu (scared of government)

We've been reading about the 5C's and 5K's for Singaporeans, now comes
the 5 Numerals and Malaysia's equivalent...

Singapore's "practice" for Simple Living :
1 - One Wife
2 - Two Children
3 - Three Bedroom Condo
4 - Four Wheels
5 - Five Figure Salary

Malaysia's "practice" to Simple Living:
5 - Five Children
4 - Four Wives
3 - Three Figure Salary
2 - Two Wheels
1 - One-Storey Link House


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Joke2GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM
A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens.

On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/ 20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there
stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door or after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens.

Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."Absolutely,"he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years".

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."

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Joke3BLOW JOBS!!!!
WHAT A GIRL HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard
practice to cum on someone's face.

4.Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles. >

6. Extension to r ule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard,
deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on
your d***?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through
your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel >
particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't hae sex right
now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls -
if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me
I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards
is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the
future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the
origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good
at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about
the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs
often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either
sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss
it good morning."

WHAT A MAN HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find
someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier
than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to
you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful
I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only
way to stop you from b****ing and moaning. Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need
all the fluids you can get. Trust me.

7. You b**** about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the
short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a d*** bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but
when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be
"sound asleep."

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your
face now will you?


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Joke4
An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on
board,butunfortunately only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says, "I'm
Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it
would be unfair to them if I died". So he takes the first parachute and
jumps.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says, "I am the wife of the former
President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the
world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President." She
takes one of the parachutes and jumps.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, says, " I am the President of the
United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics.
And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of
the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die." So he
takes a parachute and jumps.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old
schoolboy, "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good
person and a priest I will give you the last parachute". The boy replies
"No problem your popeness, there is also a parachute for you. America's
most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag!!!!"