Funny jokes haha

Hahaha jokes from Ethan made my day. hilarious shit i would wana share


A b n C

they went to this island which human eat humans

and the king of island will decide who will die and who will not die

so this 3 guys were tangkap and send to the king

the king say

if u all can find bek 10 things each

and do as i say

then i shall let u live

after like 30 mins

ABC came bek

the king said

now stuff this things in to your asshole

person A was like WTF

he brought bek apples

and apple so big, how is he going to stuff it in

but for his life, he must try

so he put in slowly

1,

2, 3 ,4 ,5 ,6

until the 7 he cannot tahan and the king slash him to death

then the king go to the second person and tell him

now is your turn

person b was lucky cause he only found grapes

so is easy

he stuff it in nicely n gently

1 by 1

until the 9th grape

he laugh out loud and his asshole got tight and he failed to stuff it all in

and the king killed him too

when A n B enter heaven

A ask B, eh, u also die ah

and he was like ya wei

sigh

A ask him, what did u bring bek to shuff it up your asshole

he say, grapse

but thats easy and why did u die?

B say,

cause i saw C is having a basket of durian
and later they saw C in heaven too

haha

k

story part two

so now they 3 in heaven become good frens la

but in heaven got this rule

the god didnt say the reasons and left them with themself

so..

one fine day

they went to like look around in heaven

so they are like becareful of what clouds they are stepping la

when they walk to this garden,

there are like lots of pink clouds

and therefore they walk very carefully

so A and b walk infront and c walk behind

while A was talking to B about the flowers

C was behind them walking slowly alone

suddenly, C stomach pain, and nid to take a dump

then he run around and search for toilet

but he forgot thta he is dead

and he dun nid to take a dump

so he was like oh well, fuck it

he went bek to find A n B

but he lost them

and he was panicking

he walk here n there

and he eventually forget the rule in heaven

which is do not step on the pink clouds

and so he accidentally step on one

then he was like eh? nothing happen also

so he went of happily

suddenly!

he saw this shadow from the front walking towards him

he walk near the shadow and ask, whose there

when he walk closer to the shadow,
he saw this fucking ugly women, with thousands of pimples on her face and big mole around her body

and he was like wtf!

then suddenly A n B came bek n ask him

whose this girl

he say, he duno

but all he did was step on the pink cloud

and from that day onwards

they know that, if they step on the pink clouds, they wil get a fucking ugly gal

so A n B was very careful about it

but no matter how careful they are

B also cannot escape from it

he also step on the pink clouds and get a uglier gf than C

so both of them was like wtf

SIENZ

now left A

so A was like happy happy la

one fine afternoon

A was alone in the park

he saw far far away, this hot chick was walking towards him

and he was thinking, eh this girl dam hot wei

he hope to know her

so he ga ga dei walk near her lo

ngam ngam, B n C also came by with thier gf's

and they are like woah

hot chick wei

and so they walk towards the chick

and the chick went over to A and say

haiz, im so careless, i step on the pink clouds and now i have to become your gf

B n C laugh out loud

u know why?

cause A was actually a fucking retard ugly bastard

thats why

lolx

wuliao ar.. tell me some jokes pls..

Merry fucking Christmas

Thats wad u heard n this is wad i heard..

I heard theres Christmas in the west...
No rambutans no durians no lion dance they have different religious beliefs..
They believe in Jesus, n their holiday..
Since u said middle east sucks whyd u come..............?
So when u'd come ill say...
Hey there mister punani!!
Merry fucking christmas!!
Incase u haven noticed it Jesus' birthday
And we aint christians to fucking care! XD

me no christian. nono... me bliff in godlike oni.. yesyes. dota me god. mwah.

Funny song from south park, but offensive one =_="

Jokes 8

Joke1
> > A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get
> > married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I' m still paying."
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't
>know
> > his wife until he marries her?
> > Dad: That happens in every country, son.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was
> > until
>I
> > got married; then it was too late.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted."
> > The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same
> > :"You
>can
> > have mine."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
> > "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. "A
> > billionaire." she replied.
> > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get
> > to prove it.
> > --------------------------------------------------------
> > A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said,"Dad! I've
> > found a woman just like mother" His father replied,"So what do you
> > want? sympathy?"
> > --------------------------------------------------------
> > Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second
> > marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
> > word
>you
> > say, talk in your sleep.
> > ------------------------------------------------------------
> > I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
> > --------------------------------------------------------
> > It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only
> > seems longer.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
> > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful
>house,
> > a big car, the love of a beautiful woman - and then, BAM!, it was all
>gone!"
> > "What happened?" asked his friend. "My wife found out..."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > Just think, if it weren' t for marriage, men would go through life
>thinking
> > they had no faults at all.
> > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both
> > husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house. Of
> > course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
> > A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
> > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he
> > wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man
> > thinks for a moment and says, "Okay, give me million dollars and beat
> > me till I'm half dead."
> > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.They've
> > experienced pain and bought jewellery.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > How do most men define marriage?
> > An expensive way to get your laundry done free.
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget
> > it once.
> > ---------------------------------------------------------
> > Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your
>parachute
> > ----------------------------------------------------------
> > First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
> > Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."


________________________________________________________________________________

Joke2Electric Company

A young husband comes home one night and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling I have great news: I'm a month overdue I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure we can't tell anybody"

The next day a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know? stammers the young woman"

"Well, maam, it's in our files! says the man from the electric company"

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely"

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight"

That night, she tells her husband about the visit and he, mad as a bull rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?"

"What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts

"Just calm down says the clerk it's nothing serious All you have to do is pay us"

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case sir we'd have no option but to cut yours off "

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks

"I don't know I guess she'd have to use a candle"


________________________________________________________________________________

Joke3
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said.

The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Oh, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver and the fare back to town is $25."

________________________________________________________________________________

Joke4Don't mess with a woman!

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks,interview and testing were done, there were three finalists.

Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."


________________________________________________________________________________

Joke5
An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the social worker

"10" replies the Essex girl

"10???" says the social worker.. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Essex girl, "its great because if they are out playing in the street, I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" asks the perturbed social worker.


"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames"

Jokes 7

Joke1
One day, a man was walking in the forest.

He shouted," God, God, are you there?"

"Yes, my dear child, I'm here!" the God replied.

"God, I want to know a few things from you," that man shouted.

"Fine, shoot."

"God what's a million dollars to you ?" He asked.

"Oh! It is like a penny," God repiled.

"Then what's a million years to you?" He asked.

"Oh! It is like a second to me."

"God, I want a favour from you."

"My dear, what is it?"

"Can you give me a million dollars?"

"Oh, sure, just a second!!"


________________________________________________________________________________

Joke2STUPID QUESTIONS WITH THE SMART ANSWERS:

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think,
Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

1) Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

2) Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".

3) Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

4) Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?"

5) My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.

6) Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

7) Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

8) Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

9) Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

10) Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

11) Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

12) Teacher : " George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it.
Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."


________________________________________________________________________________

Joke3
1. Doctor's advice: Penis is the healthiest food. It comes with a
sausage accompanied by 2 eggs & a bunch of seaweed. For
exotic taste,
shake well for mayonise sause.

2. Latest news! Tom Cruise is in love with Thai princess but the
King
will not allow their marriage unless Tom Cruise changes his
name to
"Tom Yam".

3. A baby dog asked mama dog how papa look like? Mama dog reply:
"Your
papa came from behind & I didn't have chance to see his
face"!

4. Durex says to Whisper: "When you work, I lose my business for
about
7 days". Whisper replies: "If you fail to work just once, my
business
stops for 9 months !!"

5. A lady visited her doctor again. Doc said: "YoU look more sick
&
exhausted than before. ARe you having 3 meals a day as I
advised?"
Lady: "What ? I thought you said 3 males a day!"

6. A priest lost his HEN & asked during mass. "Anyone got a cock?"
All
men stood up. He said again "I mean anyone seen a cock?" All
women
stood up. He said again " I meant anyone seen my cock?" All
nuns stood
up.

7. What women think about sex:
- At age 8, ignore it
- At age 18, experience it
- At age 28, look for it
- At age 38, ask for it
- At age 48, beg for it
- At age 58, pay for it
- At age 68 , pray for it
- At age 78, forget it !


________________________________________________________________________________

Joke4
In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room
and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.
The nurse asks him, "Raju, what are you doing?"

Raju replied, "Driving to Durban!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Raju's room just
as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks,
"Well Raju,how are you doing?"

Raju says, "I just arrived in Durban"

"Great," replied the nurse.

The nurse leaves Raju's room and goes across
the hall into Balwanth's room, and finds Balwanth
sitting on his bed furiously masturbating.

Shocked, she asks, "Balwanth, what are you doing?!"

Balwanth says, "I'm screwing Raju's wife while he's
in Durban! Can't you tell?"


________________________________________________________________________________

Joke5
Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton and Saddam Hussien died and all went
to hell.

Queen Elizabeth said: I miss England, I wanna call England and see
how everybody is doing there.... so she called and talked for about
5 minutes...
Then she said: well devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil goes:five million dollars...
Five million dollars!!!???? She made him a check and went to sit
back on her chair....

Bill Clinton was soo jealous, he starts screaming, me too, me too, I
wanna call the United states, I wanna see how everybody is doing
too...
he called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he said! :
Well, devil how much do I owe you????
The devil goes: ten million dollars.....ten million dollars!!!!!! He
made him a check and went to sit back on his chair.....

Saddam Hussen was extremely jealous too...he starts screaming and
screaming... "I wanna call Iraq! I want to see how everybody is
doing there too, I want to talk to the ministers, to the deputee, I
wanna talk to everybody"...
he called Iraq and he talked for about twenty hours, he was talking
and talking and talking....
Then he said: well, devil, how much do I owe you????
The devil goes: one dollar.....only one dollar!!!!!
Saddam says... ONLY ONE DOLLAR??????
The devil says: well, from hell to hell it's local!!

Funny shots

made in Italy vs made in Msia

there goes his 2 years salary.
love ya job, ya getta drive a free evo;(
ive to pay my own car;(
kancil sumore;'(

parking also fail.
how to chase criminals with speed @_@

yeah next time some1 blocks u.
u know wad to do..

Sgians come to Jb to pump fuel like this.
thats y msia fuel has gone up.

rezeki halal ke bro?

mayb shud try doggie style so i can play dota.
n u can place the laptop on my back.

Dotaians pray.

owned

she had anal that night

hi,call me an asshole

???

Jokes 6

Joke1
How the company views its employees. (HE VS SHE)

The family picture is on HIS desk.
Ah, a solid, responsible family man.
The family picture is on HER desk.
Umm, her family will come before her career.


HIS desk is cluttered.
He's obviously a hard worker and a busy man.
HER desk is cluttered.
She's obviously a disorganised scatterbrain.


(I think this part is especially true)
HE is talking with his co-workers.
He must be discussing the latest deal.
SHE is talking with her co-workers.
She must be gossiping.


HE's not at his desk.
He must be at a meeting.
SHE's not at her desk.
She must be in the ladies' room.


HE's not in the office.
He's meeting with customers.
SHE's not in the office.
She must be out shopping.


HE's having lunch with the boss.
He's on his way up.
SHE's having lunch with the boss.
They must be having an affair.


The boss criticised HIM.
He'll improve his performance.
The boss criticised HER.
She'll be very upset.


HE got an unfair deal.
Did he get angry?
SHE got an unfair deal.
Did she cry?


HE's getting married.
He'll get more settled.
SHE's getting married.
She'll get pregnant and leave.


(This part is GOOD too)
HE's having a baby.
He'll need a raise.
SHE's having a baby.
She'll cost the company money in maternity benefits.


HE's going on a business trip.
It's good for his career.
SHE's going on a business trip.
What does her husband say?


HE's leaving for a better job.
He knows how to recognise a good opportunity.
SHE's leaving for a better job.
Women are not dependable


________________________________________________________________________________

Jokes2 Humour
1. Women are unpredictable. Before marriage,she
expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and
after death she respects him.

2. There was this guy who told his woman that he loved
her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They
got married - and now he is going thru hell.

3. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds : "Wife
wanted ". Next day,he received a hundred letters. They
all said the same thing : "You can have mine."

4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or
the wife.

5. It's easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just
watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him.
If both his hands are on the wheel, you can be sure he
is married.

6. A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The
letter said, " If you don't promise to send us
$100,000 I swear that we will kidnap your wife."
The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my
promise but I hope you will keep yours."

7."What's the matter, you look depressed."
"I'm having trouble with my wife."
"What happened?"
"She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30
days."
"But that ought to make you happy."
"It did, but today is the last day."

WOMAN
When she is 18 - She is a football, 22 men going after
her.
When she is 28 - She is a hockey ball, 8 men going
after her.
When she is 38 - She is a golf ball, 1 man hitting on
her.
When she is 48 - She is a pingpong ball, 2 men
pushing to each other.

MAN
At 20 - A man is like a coconut, so much to offer, so
little to give.
At 30 - He is like a durian, dangerous but delicious.
At 40 - He is like a watermelon, big, round and juicy.
At 50 - He is like a mandarin orange, the season comes
once in a year.
At 60 - He is just like a raisin, dried out, wrinkles
and cheap.
Marriage Humour
In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.


________________________________________________________________________________

Jokes3An Interesting Debate

An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem
science has with Krishna. He asks one of his new students to stand and.....

Professor: You are a Hare Krishna devotee, aren't you, son?
Student: Yes, sir.
Prof: So you believe in God?
Student: Absolutely, sir.
Prof: Is God good?
Student: Sure.
Prof: Is God all-powerful?
Student: Yes.
Prof: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to Krishna to heal him.
Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But Krishna didn'! t.
How is this Krishna good then? Hmm?

(The student is silent.)

Prof: You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fella. Is
God good?
Student: Yes.
Prof: Is Satan good?
Student: No.
Prof: Where does Satan come from?
Student: From...God...
Prof: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
Student: Yes.
Prof: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything.
Correct?
Student: Yes.
Prof: So who created evil?

(The student does not answer.)

Prof: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these
terrible things exist in the world, don't they?
Student: Yes, sir.
Prof: So, who created them?


(The student has no answer.)
Prof: Tell me, son. Do you believe in Krishna?
Student: Yes, professor, I do.
Prof: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe
the world around you. Have you ever seen Krishna?
Student : No, sir.
Prof: Tell us if you have ever heard your Krishna?
Student: No, sir.
Prof: Have you ever felt your Krishna, tasted your Krishna, smelt
your Krishna? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Krishna or
God for that matter?
Student: No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.

Prof: Yet you still believe in Him?
Student: Yes.
Prof: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol,
science says your Krishna doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?
Student: Nothing. I only have my faith.
Prof: Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science has.

Student: Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
Prof: Yes.
Student: And is there such a thing as cold?
Prof: Yes.
Student: No sir. There isn't.


(The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.)
Student: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat,
mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have
anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no
heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing
as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat.
We cannot measure cold. Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir,
just the absence of it.

(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)

Student: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
Prof: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?
Student: You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of
something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light,
flashing light.....But if you have no light constantly, you have
nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't.
If it were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?
Prof: So what ! is the point you are making, young man?
Student: Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.
Prof: Flawed? Can you explain how?
Student: Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue
there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad God. You
are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure.
Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and
magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one.
To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact
that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the
opposite of life: just the absence of it. Now tell me, Professor. Do
you teach tour students that they evolved from a monkey?
Prof: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes,
of course, I do.
Student: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?

(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize
where the argument is going.)

Student: Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at
work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going
endeavour, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a
scientist but a preacher?

(The class is in uproar.)

Student: Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the
Professor's brain?

(The class breaks out into laughter.)

Student: Is there anyone here who! has ever heard the Professor's
brain, felt it, touched or smelt it?.....No one appears to have done
so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable,
demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, sir. With
all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?

(The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face
unfathomable.)

Prof: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.
Student : That is it sir.. The link between man & god is FAITH.
That is all that keeps things moving & alive.

Jokes 5

Joke1
Recently, there has been a spate of mergers, RHB and Sime Bank,etc. Rumours in the market have it that Lam Soon Huat and Parkson plan to merge - The proposed new name for the company is, you have guessed it-

"LamPar".

However, it is suspected that KLSE will object to this, since it would be
deemed not proper for lady brokers and remisiers to transact LP shares on
behalf of their male clients. Moreover, Lam Par name seems very crude and it
means scrotum in Hokkien

examples :

The people : " How much is Lam Par now?", " I want to sell Lam Par at 60
cents."

The male broker : " How much do you want to buy Lam Par?"

The female broker : " Lam Par, 60 cents, sold!"

The newspaper : "Good management lifts Lam Par.", "Lam Par drop again.",
"Lam Par suspended.", "Plunging Lam Par needs Viagra", "Lam Par is being
squeezed out as market leader."

The employees : "We are Lam Par employees."

The interviewer : "Mr. Wu, you have written in your resume that your last
company was ...er... Lam Par. Did they treat you so badly that you have to
put in an abusive term for them?"

Share buyer was heard doing a transaction with his remisier over the
handphone inside the LRT.

Buyer : " Hey, Mr.Tan buy for me Lam Par... Nor Liap. (Literally it means:
Buy for me 2 lots of Lam Par shares)

Remisier: " I can't hear you, buy order louder."

Buyer (very loud): "Lam Par lah.... Nor Liap...OK?"

All the commuters : Stunned, especially the ladies.

After receiving long complaints from many female remisiers, the "Lam Par"
shareholders decide to do something to their "Lam Par"...They sit down
together and brainstorm for the new name...After going through many days of discussion and arguments, finally Parkson agrees to inject more capital and everyone agrees to the new name : "Par Lam"

When SC receives the request to change name, he asks: "Hey, what is the
difference? Lam Par Par Lam...."


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Joke2
A man ask doc. how to live longer?
Doc ask him :U Smoke?
Ans : No
U drink?
Ans No.
U play mahjong?
Ans No
U like sex?
Ans No.
Then U want to live so long 4 what?


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Joke3
A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her
arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month
overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a
test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door-bell,
because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs.
Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric
company.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a
bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next
morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month
overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you
have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

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Joke4
A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband
is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home
unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom
closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that
the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy
and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the
boy,"How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy,
"Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch. The boy says, "I can't ., I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy -"$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again".

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Joke5
Biology Lesson in Class

During a Biology class, the teacher asked the class:
"Why is that during childhood, gals tend to grow taller than guys?"

A student replied: "That's because guys have "balls" and that
weighs them down."

Teacher: "Then why is that at maturity, guys tend to grow taller
than gals?"

Student: "That's because gals have breasts and they are heavier than
the guy's "balls"

Jokes 4

Joke1
A couple decide to go golfing to the best golf course in their state.While playing,the husband tells his wife to be very carefull as there were many houses along the golf course.But the stupid wife swings her club and it breaks one of the glasses of the biggest house on the course.so the husband and wife decided to go and apologize to the owner of the house.When thay reached the house the they found a glass bottle lying on the floor broken into hundreds of peices.The found an old man sitting inhis rocking chair and greeted the couple inside.he said"i am a genie and i would like to thank u for letting me free from this bottle,and i would like to grant u 2 wishes and the 3rd wish is mine.so the husband says i want a private aircraft for myself.the wife said she would like a house in every single country.the genie says for the past 200 years he has never had sex and would like to have sex with the lady.the husband agrees and the genie takes the lady up and begins having sex.then he asks the lady"how old is your husband"she replys"47"and the genie says"what a kid he still believes in genies"


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Joke2
Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there.
''Why?'' he asks.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.

St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?''

''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''


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Joke3
There was this guy that couldn't get laid because he had a 25-inch d***!
So one day he decides he's going to get
it shortened. He goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, listen, you gotta help me. No chicks'll sleep with me cause
I have a 25 inch d***!"


After a few minutes intense examination the doctor delivers the bad news. "Look man, I'm sorry but this d*** is so
damn huge I can't possibly redu! ce it. However, I CAN give you the location of a witch that lives in the woods
nearby that can help you out."


So off the guy goes into the woods and he finds the witch. "This is what I want you to do," she says. "Go a little
further into the woods and you'll come to a pond. There'll be a frog there that can talk. Everytime you ask the
frog to marry you and he says no, your d*** will decrease by five inches."

Off he goes again, into the woods until he comes across a pond and sees the frog. "Froggy," he yells, "will you
marry me?" The frog rolls his eyes and yells "NO!" The man looks at his cock and sees that it has decreased to 20
inches. Again, the man yells to the frog, "Froggy, will you marry me?" The frog rolls his eyes and goes "NO!" Now
his d*** is down to 15 inches, and he figures 10 is ideal. So once more he yells, "Froggy, will you marry me?"
The frog looks up one last time and says, "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? NO! NO! NO!"


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Joke4Mississippi
A bus stops and two Asian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, cool down lady," said the man. "I'm just telling my friend how to spell Mississippi."



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Joke5Japanese, Indonesian, & Malaysian
Once upon a time three people were stranded out at sea - A Japanese, a Malaysian and an Indonesian. The boat started leaking and if they do not act fast they would all die.

The Japanese (as usual) was the first to take the initiative. He threw all his Japanese gizmo - CD player, hi-fi, radio etc. off the boat. The Malaysian and the Indonesian looked at him in disbelief.
The Japanese said, "Don't worry.. still got a lot more in my country.. BANZAIIIEE!"

But the boat was still sinking. The Indonesian without hesitation started throwing aboard all his baju batik, kain batik, keretek, etc., etc. He comforted the other two, "Don't worry.. still have a lot more in my country, paknya".

But still the boat was sinking. The Japanese and the Indonesian looked at the Malaysian. Suddenly, without any hesitation and with stride, the Malaysian threw the Indonesian overboard. The poor guy couldn't swim and drowned. The Japanese was shocked. Said the Malaysian, "Don't worry... still got a lot more in MY country!!!".

Jokes 3

Joke ah beng ah seng's
Ah Seng wants to make love with Ah Lian but he is afraid that Ah Lian will get pregnant, so he approaches his friend Ah Beng for advice. Ah Beng said "Aiya, very easy one lah. Nah, take this packet of condoms and follow the instructions, nothing will happen one." So Ah Seng takes the condom and at night makes love with Ah Lian. Two months later, Ah Seng comes to look for Ah Beng and tells him that Ah Lian is pregnant.
"Cannot be what, did you follow the instructions or not?" asks Ah Beng.
"Na -bei! Got lah. The box says "Stretch the condom over organ before intercourse, I got no organ, so I stretch it over my piano loh."

=======================================================

Ah Beng to a long-distance telephone operator:
"Could you please tell me the time difference between
Taipei and Las Vegas?"
Operator: "Just a minute......"
Ah Beng: "Thank You," and puts down the phone.

=======================================================

At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells
the bartender," JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE." and his
companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE."
The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks," AND YOU,
SIR?"
Ah Beng replies:" Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."

=======================================================

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on
quite for some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the
finished puzzle to a friend.
"It took me ONLY FIVE MONTHS TO DO IT," Ah Beng brags.
"FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG," the friend exclaims.
"YOU ARE A FOOL."
Ah Beng replies," NO LAH, SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN
FOR 4-7YRS, LEH!"

=======================================================

Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt
Competition. During the Q&A segment, the host asks,
"Name a drink that begins with the letter 'G'."
The crowd shouts, "Gin! Gin!"
Others exclaim, "No it's Grape Juice!"
Another smart aleck yells, "Alamak, Gatorade!"
Host: "Quiet please."
Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before
replying, "C'mon man, you think I need your help? I
got more original answer: Guni!"(cow milk in Hokkien).

=======================================================

Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using
it when he encountered some problems. He decided to
use the 'Help' command.
After some tries, he became irritated and called the
computer retailer for support.
Ah Beng:" I pressed the 'F1' key for help...but it's
been over half an hour and still nobody has came to
help me???"
Computer Retailer:...............

=======================================================

In an English class:
Teacher: "Class, do you know the meaning of parents?"
Ah Beng: "Yes, teacher, it means father and mother."
Teacher: "Good. Can you give me an example?"
Ah Beng: "Sure. Cowboy's parents mean cowboy's father
and mother. Also can say
Cowboy's father is Cow Pay and Cowboy's mother is Cow
Boo. So together we say Cow Pay Cow Boo (KPKB)."
Teacher fainted...............

=======================================================

Ah Beng with his two red ears went to his doctor. The
doctor asked him what happened to his ears and he
answered," I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring
loh but instead of picking up the phone, I
accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my
ear. So kena loh!" "Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in
disbelief. "But...what happen to the other ear?"
"Aiyah! That stoooopid dumbo called back!"

=======================================================

Ah Beng and Ah Seng rent a boat and fish in a lake
everyday.
One day, they caught 30 fishes.
Ah Beng said to Ah Seng," Mark this spot so that we
can come back here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat,
Ah Beng asked Ah Seng," Did you mark that spot?" Ah
Seng replied," Yeah, I put a big X on the bottom of
the boat,"
Ah Beng said," You stupid fool! What if we don't get
that same boat today !?!?"

=======================================================

Ah Beng and Ah Seng exited and locked the car in a
hurry, forgetting to remove the key which was in the
ignition. Realizing the mistake, Ah Beng asked," Why
don't we get a coat hanger to open it?"
"No, that won't work," answered Ah Seng." People might
think we're trying to break in."
Then Ah Beng suggested," What if we use a pocket knife
to cut the rubber, then stuck a finger in and pull up
the lock?"
"No," said Ah Seng. "People will think we're too dumb
to use a coat hanger."
The "kan cheong" Ah Beng shouted," We better think of
something fast. It's staring to rain and the sunroof
is open!!!"

=======================================================

Ah Beng serving his NS overseas and far from home, was
annoyed and upset when his girl Ah Lian wrote breaking
off their engagement and asking for her photograph
back. He went out and collected from his friends all
the unwanted photographs of women that he could find,
bundled them all together and sent them to her with a
note stating the following:
"Regret cannot remember which one is
you...............
please keep your photo and return the others."

=======================================================

Once Ah Beng , Ah Seng and Ah Lian went for dinner at
the Compass Rose at the top of the Westin Stamford .
After dinner, they went to the lift scanned the
buttons and couldn't find the button for the first
floor. Ah Beng suggested taking the stairs but Ah Lian
decided to press the lift button "G". They found
themselves on the first ground and Ah Beng remarked,
"Wah, you so smart, ah. How did you know this was
ground floor?" Ah Lian replied ," Aiyah so simple you
also dunno! G: stands for gero loh!"

=======================================================

One evening, Ah Beng and Ah Lian went to a lounge and
requested the DJ to play the song "Ah Cheng Buey Lo
Ti" (Ah Cheng buys bread). The DJ told them they only
played English songs and asked them to request another
song. They were upset and complained to the manager
that the DJ was insulting them. After many hours of
calming them down, the manager found out they were
actually requesting the Righteous Brothers song,
"Unchained Melody".

=======================================================

Ah Beng and Ah Seng went to a hawker centre. Ah Seng
noticed the hygiene grades issued by the Ministry of
Health pasted at each stall and asked Ah Beng, "Eh,
the 'A', 'B', 'C' and 'D' stand for what ah?" Ah Beng
snorted and said, "Aiyah, this sort of thing you also
dunno! 'D' stand for 'delicious', 'C' stand for 'can
eat', 'B' stand for 'buay sai' (cannot) and 'A' stand
for 'Alamak'!"

=======================================================

Long time ago, a rich Singapore tycoon wanted to know
how happy a man could be if he was given one wish. He
paid three people to test out his experiment. The
rules were:
1. Each person could only have one wish.
2. They will be left on a deserted island for 30
years.
3. Food, but not liquor would be provided.
The first contestant, Billy Clinton (USA) asked for 30
prettiest PLAYBOY centerfolds: "So I can make the most
beautiful babies in the world."
The second contestant, Jon Major (UK) said, "I want 30
years' supply of booze."
The last contestant, Ah Beng (Singapore) said, "I want
30 years' supply of Saa-lim (Salem) cigarettes so I
can smoke until I song-song."
30 years later, the three contestants came back for a
press conference. Billy had with him 200 children and
30 estranged women. He remarked, "It has been a long
sexual experience for me and was wondering whether
anyone care to buy a child. I will even throw in the
mother for free!" Jon, hanging on to a bottle of beer,
was suffering from a hangover but he managed to utter
these words. "God save the Beer! The Queen can drink
seawater." The last contestant, Ah Beng, hugging onto
cartons of Salem shouted, "Ni na
beh! Buay kee gia lighter!!!" (@#$*! Forgot to bring
lighter!)

=======================================================

Last night, an incident took place at Boat Quay. What
happened was some idiot was trying to show off and
declared that he could swim across the Singapore
River. He jumped in and started swimming. But before
he could reach the halfway mark, he started to panic
and started to shout for help. Being typical
Singaporeans, a crowd started to gather to watch and
yet no attempt was made by anybody to save that poor
chap. Suddenly there was a splash and the crowd turned
to see a guy doing what seemed like a desperate
attempt to reach the drowning victim. It was clear
that this hero couldn't swim! Luckily a tongkang
filled with tourists was passing by and the operator
saw the incident and picked both men from the water.
The crowd cheered! Back on shore, the crowd cheered
again as the hero stepped off the tongkang. "Steady
lah!" and "Awright, man!" were among any
congratulations shouted. Ah Beng looked angry and
shouted "Ka ni na! Siang too wa loh chui?" (*%#@! Who
pushed me into the water?")

=======================================================

Ah Beng joined a quiz show and was asked to a name
three fruits whose names begin with "A". Ah Beng
immediately said "Apple...Apricot..." then he was stumped.
After a while, he finally shouted triumphantly, "Ang
Mor Tan!"

=======================================================

Ah Beng ordered a pizza and the waitress asked if he
should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Jokes 2

Joke1
Most of you would have heard of the Singapore 5C's:
Car, Condo, Credit Card(Gold), Cash and Career

Heard of the 5B's?
B - BMW
B - Body
B - Brain
B - Billionaire
B - Bungalow

And, and addition with the 5K's ...
Kiasu (scared of losing)
Kiasee (scared of dying)
Kiabor (scared of wife)
Kiaboh (scared of having nothing)
Kiachenghu (scared of government)

We've been reading about the 5C's and 5K's for Singaporeans, now comes
the 5 Numerals and Malaysia's equivalent...

Singapore's "practice" for Simple Living :
1 - One Wife
2 - Two Children
3 - Three Bedroom Condo
4 - Four Wheels
5 - Five Figure Salary

Malaysia's "practice" to Simple Living:
5 - Five Children
4 - Four Wives
3 - Three Figure Salary
2 - Two Wheels
1 - One-Storey Link House


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Joke2GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM
A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens.

On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/ 20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there
stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door or after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens.

Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."Absolutely,"he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years".

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."

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Joke3BLOW JOBS!!!!
WHAT A GIRL HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard
practice to cum on someone's face.

4.Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles. >

6. Extension to r ule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard,
deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on
your d***?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through
your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel >
particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't hae sex right
now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls -
if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me
I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards
is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the
future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the
origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good
at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about
the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs
often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either
sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss
it good morning."

WHAT A MAN HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find
someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier
than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to
you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful
I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only
way to stop you from b****ing and moaning. Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need
all the fluids you can get. Trust me.

7. You b**** about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the
short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a d*** bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but
when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be
"sound asleep."

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your
face now will you?


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Joke4
An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on
board,butunfortunately only 4 parachutes. The first passenger says, "I'm
Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers need me, it
would be unfair to them if I died". So he takes the first parachute and
jumps.

The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says, "I am the wife of the former
President of the United States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the
world, a Senator in New York and America's potential future President." She
takes one of the parachutes and jumps.

The third passenger, George W. Bush, says, " I am the President of the
United States of America. I have a huge responsibility in world politics.
And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of
the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to die." So he
takes a parachute and jumps.

The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old
schoolboy, "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good
person and a priest I will give you the last parachute". The boy replies
"No problem your popeness, there is also a parachute for you. America's
most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag!!!!"

Jokes 1

Joke1:
There was a Chinese lady married to an English gentleman and they lived in London. The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but managed somehow to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs.

The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted.

The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. She brought her husband to the store.......... so what did she do?

??

??

??

??



What are you thinking?

??

??

??

??

??

??

HellOOOooooooOOOooo, her husband speaks English!!

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Joke2:Marketing 101
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed". That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed". That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed". That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed". That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed". That's Brand Recognition.

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Joke3:Deaf sex
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"

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Joke4:Wife
Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord.

The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps.

"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.

Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife." The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."

Look at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."


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Joke5:affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner."

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with
talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.

"Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.

"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one
for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night
when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the
kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot
at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of
water."